How Quickly Things Change...

So many things have happened since the last time I wrote. Things that make me want to cry, things that make me want to smile. I don't even know where to start. I will just start talking and hope I get to the point. Starting from the last time I wrote, that day I emailed my sisters ex, and we started talking for a while after that. He's older, and his name is Paul. We decided to hang out. So he picked me up from school, and just hung out. At first I admit, it was a little akward, but we got comfortable with each other. We talked for a while. No big deal, and ever since then we have been talking, and hanging out with each other. He's one of those people who you get around and everything spills. You can't control what you say or how you say it. But I know he's not the type to judge me for what I do say. So I fully trust him. He's a total sweetie. And of course he makes me smile, and for that, all my friends hate him, and are so jealous they can't see straight. He's also given me so much more self-confidence than I have ever had. I'm not sure how, but he does. Now, for my relationship status... Single, and absolutely loving it! I broke up with Matt about three weeks ago. And now we are just friends, I know he wants to be more than that. But I don't want to go out with him again, because I know I don't love him. I couldn't stand to break up with him for the fourth time. It hurts me just as much as it hurts him. I am totally in love with the guy that I have liked for three years, Craig. He knows it, and he likes me... But he just came out of a long relationship, and I don't want to push it too fast, cause then it will probably end up not working anyways. So I'm waiting for him to get over that, and decide if he wants me over this other girl Destiny. I'm just giving everything time. Time is something I have learned to deal with. But when the time comes, the right person will find me. I'm just looking too hard. My mom is doing chemo therapy for a disease she has. It's not cancer, it's something else. We don't know what this treatment is going to do to her, but we are all praying for her. I have to take care of her more and more as the disease progresses. I don't mind at all, but I do have a life to live. I'm only 14, I have my whole life ahead of me, I don't need to be looking after my mother all the time. The fighting has increased with every day. It's a constant battle maintaining the house and her. The therapy makes her cranky and pretty much insane. I watch her deteriorate every day right in front of my eyes. Waking up every morning wondering if she made it through the night, praying for one last hug. I have to admit, my mother is physically my mom, but not emotionally. She never has been. When my parents got divorced, my mom was never around. She would disappear to hotels for days on end with a new an each time. My sister Rachael was my mom. And emotionally still is. Which I guess is better for me, her death won't be so hard on me. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on things and not let any of it bring me down. My biological father told me I should go live with him. But I can't do that because of step-mother issues. There's a mutual dislike between us. My dad said he promises he will protect me from her, but my dad promises a lot of things. If I go anywhere it will be to live with my sister. My friends are never there for me when I need them. Out of my “group” of friends, I am the only solid one they can always count on to be there. But when I need them, they are too busy, or they turn my problems into something about themselves. I have pulled away from them so much, and become so independent. I take care of myself, my home and my mother without any help. I don't NEED any friends. Not like I have much time for them anyways. And free time I do have is spent writing my poems. Which brings me to, one of my poems, Hidden Tears, is getting published in a book called “The International Who's Who in Poetry.” I am so excited to see my work in a book. They said they loved my work, and I should start entering my poetry in contests, maybe earn some money. Right now I'm trying to get a job, which I desperately need. I have put myself back inside what i call my “glass box.” Which isn't a good thing. It shuts me out of everything. I have discovered I LOVE to climb mountains. It gets me away from everything. It helps me so much, it relieves stress, and lets me think about things. I am about to start Volley Ball, which I am SO excited about. It's a good stress reliever. And it gets me out of my house. Which means my step-dad will have to learn how to handle my mom instead of leaving every time they start fighting. I am going to be getting really busy here pretty soon. But I am trying to continue writing in here. I have so much more to say, but right now I have to run. So I will write more in a couple weeks or so. Feedback?? Send it to starless_n_cold@hotmail.com Talk to you guys later! Love Sarah(spellbound) All the stuff above was written Tuesday. Now it's Thursday, and some things have changed. But I don't want to change it. I want to add on things, so you can see how fast things in my life go. Sadly enough. Now back to my relationship status... I'm now taken, by the guy I have been in love with since... I was in 7th grade, so about three years. At church on Wednesday night, last night, we were sitting on Jeremy Graham's couch in his office. And this other girl Cheyenne, she's about 12 I think was on the computer in the same room as Craig and I. And slowly I ended up really close to Craig, and it made my heart race. He started doing small things that made the pain of wanting him worse. He kissed my cheek, at that moment I was thinking about getting up and walking off, because I knew the more I was around him, the more hurt and pain it would cause, because he wasn't mine. He started telling me I am beautiful. Then he got up and walked off, at that moment I wanted to bust out into tears. But I stayed strong for myself and my friends. Then he came back and we resumed our cuddling. The whole time we were in there Cheyenne was telling us how we should be going out. A few minutes later, he leaned over and in my ear he whispered, "Will you be my one and only?" and I nodded yes, of course. And Cheyenne turned around and we were cuddling some more, and she was like you should really go out. And all Craig and I could do was smile and give a silly little grin. It's the little things that make a person feel like a millionare filled with love. I had full band today after school and he came to see me. It made me feel like he really cared. It's a little weird to think of him as my boyfriend, concidering I have wanted this for 3 years. I feel like he's so much different than any other guy I have dated. He's not a jerk. I love that boy so much. To all my friends reading, I hope you will all meet him soon. He smelled really good today, and he made my hoodie smell like him. Besides my relstionships, not much else has changed. Next blog we will be talking about happiness. How you shouldn't rely on anybody but God for your happiness. Ily all. Have a great week! Love ~Sarah Email: starless_n_cold@hotmail.com Yahoo Messenger: X_tzeitel_X AIM: XxXtzeitelXxX