Looking Back and Jumping Forward

It's been a while since I've written. I look back on all my previous posts and wonder why I did some of the things I did. I also noticed it seems like everything was about guys. Well here I am again telling you I'm engaged! I'm engaged to Raymond Marshal Perkins IV. Yes, he's the one I dated in January for a while, the one who went to Military school. He asked me out on January 11, 2008 we broke up for a lil while and got back togther on August 30, 2008. We spend tons of time together and my family loves him! He buys me what I want and takes care of me. He treats me with a princess. I have a beautiful ring. We have our own little family. Me, Raymond, and our little puppy Zeke. We make the best family I've ever seen. I couldn't be happier, I know he's the one. :] Enough about him.
I don't even know what else to talk about, he's my life. Once again it's the time of year where I start looking forward to Falls Creek, towards getting that connection back between me and God. I'm ready for it. Last year at Falls Creek wasn't so great. Janel and I hardly left the cabin, we slept the experience away. This year I'm going to take energy shots with me! I'm already counting down the months until Falls Creek in July. Me and Janel are thinking about trying to be sponsors for the middle school kids. It's going to be great this year.
I got my license over 6months ago now. I got the restriction off of it a few weeks ago. I made a 97 on my test. I love having the freedom that my car gives me. It's amazing. I put way too many miles on it, but it's alright. I'm looking for a job for the summer so I can get a Toyota Tacoma. It's always been my dream to drive a truck, now it's time to live that dream. Just have to work my butt off to get it. That's fine with me. :]
My internest classes are going great. I've finished 3 classes so far. I'm almost finished with the 4th. I have 9 classes this semester! I think I can do it. I'd only have 7 normally, but I don't want to go to summer school and miss Falls Creek so I'm doing all 9. I'm hoping to graduate a little early so I can start college at OKC-OSU next winter. That's where Raymond and Janel will be going too!
Well that's all I have time for now, so I'll be going and I'll write more soon.


All the peace and love you can imagine from me to you.
Sarah Joy.

JoyToy52307@yahoo.com
www.myspace.com/joy_toy

Falling back.

I haven't written a post in a while so I thought it was time. I'm happy to report I have been in no trouble at all recently.
On April 19th I got back with the previously mentioned Chad, I think. Everything went great until our four month mark. I had been fighting with myself for about a month about whether or not he was good for me. He still did drugs and was falling back into his old habits, so last week I made my decision and broke up with him because I knew he wasn't good for me at all.
Two days ago I got my first car! It's a 2001 Kia Sportage EX. It's my lil baby and I love it. I get my license on the 29th, which I'm super exicted about. :]
I'm working on getting everything back on track.
I don't have much time, so I have to go now.
I'll write soon!
:]


-Sarah Joy.
http://www.myspace.com/joy_toy

:D

The Present & Future Hold Many New Things

Next Sunday, April 13, I think, is my one month anniversary of being drug free. I will admit, I have drank twice since I decided to quit drugs. St. Patty's day, had to drink. :] Lol. Soooo much has happened recently. I quit school to do internet school which has helped a tremendous amount. My grades at Westmoore weren't so great because I ditched my classes most of the time. But in internet school, I have completed four classes in 6 days. I have 2 classes left which I hope to finish by next week. I have put in applications all over town to get a job. I get my license in July, hopefully I'll have enough money to buy a car by then. Next year I will do internet school also, & continue working full time throughout the year. I intend to move out around June or July of next year. I'll be 17, but my parents have agreed to emancipate me, or something to that effect as long as I have a good steady job. So many things are happening within the next year that give me all these mixed emotions. I'm super excited, but scared at the same time. It's going to be a whole new world living and working on my own. I am up for the challenges to come. :]
Now let's speak of last Saturday night, the night I got arrested. LOL. I'm sure you're thinking oh great she was on drugs or it had something to do with drugs. WRONG! I've proved you all wrong by staying off drugs, & I'm proud of that. Mallory, Rihana, Jessica, Barrett, and I were wanting to hang out that night and didn't really have anywhere to go. So we all decided to go ghost hunting since it's finally warm enough to start going again. Mally, Rihana, and I found a pretty neato cemetery a few weeks ago and decided it could very well be haunted. So we make our way out there. It's the perfect night, so we think. Misty, foggy, pitch black and eerie overall. We are about to get of the car when a light beside us comes on and we realize someone had followed us out there. We leave and decide we'll just go chill at a park back in the city. By now it's about 3 in the morning. We're all just chillin' and having a great time at the park when a cop pulls up. All of us being completely sober and everything we're like oh well we can't get in trouble when the cop tells us parks close at midnight! & since Mally and I are underage we got arrested for breaking curfew. I honestly didn't think we could get in trouble since we were with people over 18, I thought wrong. We were arrested and everyone else was sent home. Our parents had to come pick us up and sign papers and things like that. Now I have to go to court within the next 30 days. Oh fun. But when I think about it I had been praying all night that nothing would go wrong because I had one of those feelings. I look back and think about all the times I have done ecstasy at that park and thanks God I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Everyone in my family has noticed changes about me since I got off drugs. I look healthier and I have more energy. I don't feel dead anymore, and it's a wonderful feeling. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do about getting money for my drugs anymore. I have very small worries now, and I'm enjoying the hell out of it.
Now, I notcied one of my ribs were bigger than the other side. It kept getting larger over the course of a month, so I showed my mom and she said it's more than likely a lipoma, a very slow growing tumor that may or may not be cancerous. She and my grandfather had one, so if it's passed on thru genetics, that's more than likely what it is. It is somewhat painful, but I'll live. I go to the doctor for it next week and find out for sure what it is. I pray every night that it's nothing serious. Keep me in your prayers guys!
:]
Life is finally good.

The group's myspace: http://www.myspace.com/theFNgroup
My myspace: http://www.myspace.com/joy_toy

Email: JoyToy52307@yahoo.com

Hit me up if ya wanna talk.
:D



Love,
Sarah Joy.

The New Me

Since my last post quite a few things have happened. I'm ready to admit that I got too caught up in the drugs. I tried many things. Pot, ecstasy, shrooms, coke, pcp, methadone, adorall, redilin, and many more pills. Things that I never should have messed with. I was "shroomin" last Saturday night and I was supposed to go to my sisters and my mom kept calling me and I kept stressing and it was making me have a "bad trip" for those of you who know anything about drugs you know those aren't any fun. There were too many people around and I was trippin too hard and I was just plain scared and wanted to die just to make it stop. With shrooms there's no way to make you stop trippinm unlike ecstasy. I finally made it to my sisters, and she gave me a talk..some of the things she said made me realize what I was doing to myself AND my family and friends. While drugs and the party scene are fun and something I don't regret doing, it's not the kind of lifestyle I'd like to live. I will still hang out with my friends and watch them trip and maybe occasionally do something, but I will never let it get out of control like it did. My life became selling, buying, and eating drugs. I overdid it one night and popped 9 rolls(ecstasy pills fyi) and was sick for the next week. In the first two days I was sick I went from weighing 127pounds to weighing 113pounds. Since I started doing drugs I have felt myself living for my next high. I feel stupid, lonely, and scared.
Ecstasy messes with your serotonin levels which affect your moods, mostly depression. It makes a current state of depression even worse, and makes a normally happy person depressed. It releases too much serotonin, and that's something that can't be replaced, you're only born with a certain amount of it. I won't ever be the same Sarah I used to be, but the happiness will come back and I'll get my real friends back in getting away from the drugs. Though through the drugs I made a whole new group of friends we're called "The Group," names won't be mentioned but I do have many pictures of us tripping and just hanging out on my myspace, http://www.myspace.com/joy_toy. Check it out.
Anyways enough details, just know that the real me is coming back and I'm really excited to be done with all of it! Mom's home so I gotta go for now, but I'll write again soon!

:]

JoyToy52307@yahoo.com


-Sarah
Joy.

Miss Independent

You all have seen me go through my ups and downs, cleans and dirtys if you will. I'm sure you're thinking this will be another one of those things, and I know I've said it before, but I am changing. I was on the right track a month and a half ago, then it all went downhill when in all honesty I thought it was going uphill, because it was fun. I was more independent than I've ever been, I had learned not to depend on other for my own happiness because in the end I'd get hurt. Low and behold, I met a boy, Chad. We became good friends, partying, and having fun. At one point we fell for each other, knowing we were total opposites. Our only similarity being our independence. That must have been what brought us together because I now see nothing in this boy. We dated for a month, then it all came crashing down a few days ago. Someone told him I cheated on him, I didn't, so I told him I didn't. We broke up and he still doesn't believe me. I know I didn't, I have nothing to prove to him so I gave up arguing. Which for him I guess meant I did cheat. I don't believe in proving things I know are true to others, unless they are willing to try to believe. Now, four days later I'm sitting here telling him it's ok to show your feelings instead of blocking things out and letting them build up until you become psychotic. I have seen two of my cousins commit suicide from the very same thing, I may not be too happy with Chad at the moment, but I do love him and would never wish death upon him. I keep losing my train of thought. Now, after all this, after all the hurt I never want to feel again, I'm going back to being The Miss Independent everyone grew to like and love. I was happy, people around me sensed it and were happy also. I woke up this morning thinking like my old independent self, and i'm happy today. Right this second, I'm finally getting through to Chad and it's making me even more happy. I AM AN INDEPENDENT PERSON WHO DEPENDS ON NO ONE. And I'm proud of it.

=]

JoyToy52307@yahoo.com

-Sarah Joy

No Regrets

Life..Wow. I'm not sure if it's going up or down, forward or back. I'm typically an organized person. For the last two months I've had no time to be organized, and I was loving it. I was finally living the typical teenage life I'd always dreamed of. The party scene with drugs, many firsts of everythings. It was great the lying, sneaking out, and suspence of what was going to happen next. I had money, the perfect boyfriend, and amazing friends. What I didn't know was that life was about to spin out of control. I got my hands on a drug I'd never tried..Ecstasy. I did my reading and researching on it, as with anything I do or try. I figured it'd be safe. Though it's not something I suggest for those who aren't ready to take a risk. You never know what's in X. I was the first in my group to try this kind. Later I found out it was heroine based. It was THE BEST experience of my life. I'll tell you how the trip went.
At about 1:35AM Saturday night, sitting in my cousins living room with Derick, my cousins boyfriend, and Chad, my boyfriend I decided to take the X alone since I couldn't convince my boyfriend to. I kept looking at the time wondering "is it ever going to hit me?" and "maybe it's some bull shit and it's not gonna hit me." After about thirty minutes of me repeatedly asking Chad to just take it he finally answered me with "I did baby." But he had just taken it when it started to hit me. Derick was talking when it hit me, honestly I have no idea what he was talking about. All I remember is watching his mouth trying to understand what he was saying. I could understand him and hear him, I just couldn't comprehend what he was saying. I felt dizzy, extremely tired, and light-headed. Then all the sudden Chad asked me what I was doing. I replied with "Nothing! What're you talking about?!" He then glanced at my hands saying "Baby? ..Baby?..Are you ok?" I then looked at my hands and realized I was rubbing them together then rubbing the couch then rubbing them together again. I answered him with a grin and a simple "Yeah, hun, I'm fine." I had the sudden urge to touch him..Not even in a sexual way really, but a sensual way. But it hadn't hit him yet, so I held myself back so he didn't think he was weird. Instead I got up and started walking around, drinking a ton of water. My cousin then started griping at ne not to drink too much water so I didn't get water on the brain, I tried to give her a hug even though she was yelling at me. I remember almost crying because multiple timesshe turned down my hugs. But I was just so happy. Next thing I knew Chad was standing behing me grabbing my waist. I knew it hit him. I was so dizzy and just wanted to dance, so I danced..to the music we didn't have. Chad was still at that stage where you just want to touch everything. I was past that and I couldn't be still. I just wanted to hug and dance. Chad and I walked outside then back in then back out then back in, I don't even know how many times. I was just so happy. We were getting crazy looks, and I was loving every second of it. I couldn't stop smiling. We sat down on the couch trying to listen to Derick. Every fewminutes I'd ask Chad if he was ok and he'd do the same. The answer every time from both of us was "Of course baby, I'm great. Yeah it's good. Wanna hug?" Then Derick stood up said something then threw some blankets and pillows in the bedroom saying there's a matress in there have fun. We just laughed at him like haha yeah right we don't wanna touch each other that bad..Pfft we ended up in the bedroom just laying there half-way naked talking. Rubbing eachothers backs and tummies. Again, not sexually, but sensually. Then we decided we were hot and wanted to do outside, where we ended up dancing and talking for an hour or two. Then back inside to the couch, then to the bedroom where we were back and forth from the bed to the couch in the livingroom until 6PM Sunday evening. Yes, we did have sex, but that wasn't the best part of it all. The best part was just being close, talking, and dancing. Not caring what everyone else thought. May I remind you, we were at apartments, so there were people watching us everytime we went outside. Let me tell you, besides getting saves, this was the best night I think I've ever had.
If you're thinking about doing it go ahead! But first take some precautions!
1. The main reason people die from ecstasy is cause by drinking too much water, which causes water on the brain. All you want to do is drink water. Don't!!! Have someone there who isn't taking it to watch how much water you drink. If no one is there to do that WRITE IT DOWN!
2. Read point number one again, it's really important.
3. Watch out for teeth grinding! It can cause some serious teeth damage, and a seriously sore jaw the next day.
4. Have fun and don't think sad thoughts or you'll have a bad trip, no fun!
5. Drink orange juice.
6. Techno or trance music is good.
7. Strobe lights are amazing.

In NO WAY am I telling you this drug is okay, nor am I encouraging you to use this drug.
But if you've made up your mind to do it, BE CAREFUL!

I love you kidds, please be careful in all you do.

God Bless!

-Sarah

The Purple Church Experience Part II

It's Halloween night and we'vo got nothing better to do than head back out to the mysterious Purple Church. My sister, Mike, and Chad didn't go this time. Chickens. Haha. We get there around 6 or 7 PM and realize it's too light to go, the people across the street would call the police because it looked suspicious. So we went to a supposedly haunted cemetery, the Memorial Gardens, I think was the name, where my sister had some ghostly encounters and found $160 lying on the ground the previous week. We passed the time by sitting on the concrete things they put the coffins in, until it got dark. When it became dark enough we went down the road and parked a few hundred feet away from the entrance to the Purple Church. Me, Craig, Josh, Alex, and Zack started making our way closer when a dog starts barking and growling at us. We shine our flashlights around in front of us trying to find it, when we found it we noticed something, it was running towards us. Needless to say we have never run so fast in our lives. We made it back to the trucks and stood there for a minute before we decided to go back and try again. This time since I was a little nervous Craig and i walked hand in hand a little way behond the others. The dog was no longer anywhere in sight. Then it comes out beside Craig and I, of course we ran as fast as we could back to the truck and jumped in. We decided to drive down and check on the others. We're almost caught up with them when Zack and Alex are running full speed at our truck, they pass our truck, run and jump in theirs and take off driving the other way. Josh is still walking a little farther so we were going to pick him up and leave when we see a flashlight coming out of the woods, and it can't be any of our friends. So me and Craig are kinda freaking out at that point. Then as I'm about to open the door to pull Josh in I see a older man in a white suit, with white hair, glasses and a dark hat come out of the woods. I pull Josh in and we start to drive away but then realize Zack and Alex had driven the opposite way. So we turn around and start driving towards the old man, the man then steps into the middle of the road and shines his flashlight at our faces and holds up a knife. He wouldn't let us past him. He starts walking towards our truck so we back up going 60 on a gravel road when it's pitch black outside. That wasn't smart but it was our only choice. Luckily we didn't hit anything and got turned around and sped away. I'm still not satisfied with what I know. I'm still planning on going out there, maybe I need some time first. I don't have any proof that it's "haunted" so I'm still seeking.

Any thoughts on this or questions
gimme an email:
JoyToy52307@yahoo.com

I apologize for it not being as well written as the last time, but I'm babysitting and am only writing in my spare minutes here and there.

=]